What exactly is a girl?

In this post I’m going to be as objective as I can, but I make no guarantee that I’ll also be right. In fact, I submit that I’ll be so hopelessly wrong that it will seem as if I might never be able to climb out of the gutters of my stupidity. But the big problem which will throw my objectivity off the tracks of truth is the appalling, scary attitude that people have towards seduction – not in terms of liking or disliking the concept of seduction, but rather its practical implementation. What I’m going to try to do is to take one such implementation to try and deduce what horrible spawn of irrationality would fall for the slimy methods proposed by that implementation.

The implementation of seduction I’m going to use comes from WikiHow page entitled “How to Seduce a Woman”. Its working definition of seduction is this (reworded) “Seduction is the art of distracting a woman from all of your shortcomings and making her fall in love with you for who you are.”

First off, I can’t bring myself to ignore the horrid contradiction proposed by this definition, so I’ll just get it out of the way now so that I may proceed making other faulty conclusions based on the information presented in further text on that site. First the definition says seduction is the art of distracting a woman from all of your shortcomings. Well, for one thing, there is such a thing as a woman seducing a man rather than vice versa, but let’s just say we men are chauvinist pigs and we deny – despite all the evidence to the contrary – that no woman has ever seduced a man – and all for the sake of making this definition work. Now that’s out of the way, let’s look at the actual contradiction of this definition.

So, a woman must be distracted so as to not notice our shortcomings. This means that a part of the personality of a man who seduces a woman must remain hidden from her. Then, the definition goes on to say that a woman must “fall in love with you for who you are.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but who one is includes all his personality traits – the good ones and the bad ones (i.e. his shortcomings). But according to the previous statement, our shortcomings are to be hidden from her – so how on Earth is she supposed to fall in love with a guy for who he is, if she’s left in the dark in regard to his shortcomings?

The definition, in effect, says – never let a girl realize fully who you are, but make her fall in love with you for who you are. But in this post I assume I don’t know anything about girls and I use the information from WikiHow page to discern the mystery of girls (or women, for that matter).

From the very wording of the definition it is possible to discern a great number of traits of this mysterious thing people call “a girl.” For one, a girl never seduces a man – girls don’t practice the art of seduction. Another thing is a bit more subtle and follows from the contradiction in the definition, and it states, in short, that a girl is easily distracted even from the most horrible things about a guy she’s talking to. These two rules will be updated as we go through a list of steps to take in order to seduce a girl.

The first step say “manage your image,” explaining you need to have a good, positive image. This is further elaborated to mean making friends and being charming with everyone you come in contact with. So, if some bloodthirsty maniac wants to spill your guts with a chainsaw, be charming and make him your friends. It says at the end of the description of that step – “no girl can resist a guy whom everyone likes.”

Moreover, if you say something to someone about someone else and it’s a good thing, then when they eventually find out you said that about them it will sound genuine. That’s an easy loophole, innit?

What do these things tell us about girls, however? Well, first off, since no girl can resist a guy whom everyone likes, this clearly fits into the contradictory definition of seduction – all you need to do in this case is to “distract” her from the fact that there are people who hate your guts. Show her your friends, but not your enemies – she’ll be none the wiser. This clearly tells us that a girl blindly believes whatever a guy (who is seducing her) tells her to believe about him. She’ll never find out otherwise.

The second thing this first step tells us is that this is particularly true if this information reaches her from a third person. A girl will hold on to that belief with even greater passion.

The second step says “manage your reputation.” To do that, your human side apparently needs to consist of your readiness to subtly talk of taboo and sexuality. This, however, reveals more about the guys who practice this form of seduction, rather than about girls who get seduced by it. But indirectly, it tells us that girls like simple-minded fellows whose greatest spiritual achievement is to talk about things they were taught are forbidden.

The third step says “do the opposite of what other guys do.” If everyone is giving her attention, don’t give her any and she’ll immediately become interested in you. If she’s getting no attention, give it to her and she’s yours. About a girl, this says that she always likes best what she doesn’t have. Being more abstract here, this means a girl always wants more – a girl is an insatiable creature.

Step number four says “hint that other girls like you.” This is supposed to make her like you even better. This goes well in hand with the trait of a girl that I’ve discovered earlier, that she believes anything her seducer tells her to believe. But this particular step hints another thing about girls – a jealous girl wants what she doesn’t have even more. So not only is a girl insatiable – she becomes even hungrier by just receiving a hint that other women want the same thing she does! It’s nature’s phenomenon, really.

Another thing this step reveals is that “women hold each other’s opinions very highly.” This is amazing because if it’s true and you seduce a girl and her best friend – even by just following the steps I’ve covered so far – you can make them fight over you just by hinting to either (preferably both) of them that her best friend likes you. If on top of that you told someone that one of them is drop-dead gorgeous (or something to the effect) and this reaches them, you’re definitely gonna score!

Now, the rest of the steps are here to simply drive girls insane about you. Rule number five states “wait for the sign that she is interested.” This is obvious, I mean – you wouldn’t want to spoil all that tongue-work you had to do to, right? You want her to make the move – make her feel like she’s seducing you, and not the other way around. Girls can’t master the art of seduction, but they like feeling as if they have everything under control, right? Girls are easily deceived. Goes well with the definition of the seduction that the page offers too.

The sixth step says “speak seductively.” As if she isn’t crazy enough about you already, right? The step elaborates that it’s not seductive to talk about work, school, MySpace, etc. And most importantly, never talk about yourself. After all, you might reveal some things you want to keep hidden, right? All those people who hate you, all your shortcomings… you want to keep her distracted about those things, and not focus the discussion on this. Seductive speech consists of talking about nothing in particular, such as “exotic vacation spots, mythology, sometimes sex, history, astrology, dreams, fate, and anything else pleasurable and intangible.” This helps us refine the second trait of a girl we’ve found out, which was “a girl is easily distracted from even the most horrible things about a guy she’s dating.” Now we can update that and replace the phrase “easily distracted,” which doesn’t mean much. After update, the trait sounds like this “a girl can be distracted from even the most horrible things about a guy she’s dating by idle chatter about nothing in particular.”

The seventh step is optional. If you haven’t scored already, you might want to “show strategic weakness.” If you need to do this it means you really suck at this, but there’s still hope for you. The explanation says to “bend the truth” (that means “lie”) in such a way as to “make you seem honest, romantic, harmless, and more akin to a girl’s idea of ‘the one.’” Obviously, girls don’t care about honesty; all they care about is that your lies are sweet to their ears.

The eighth step reminds you to not forget the golden rule of seduction, which is to keep a girl distracted from your shortcomings. It states “give her plenty of space.”

If you haven’t already, the ninth step says “ask her out.” It basically says that this is your last chance to do this, if you’ve completed all of the steps above. The next time you call her or see her, you absolutely must ask her out! Otherwise she won’t talk to you ever again. You could’ve acted out – and even been for real – the perfect guy, but even if she’s in seventh heaven because of you now, she’ll simply cut you off and will never want to go out with you. What does that say about her, except that she’s quite moody? To me it sounds as if she has a schedule made out for guys, that they must follow – but she never shows it to them. If any guy fails to follow this schedule, she simply crosses his name off the list of guys that are currently seducing her – or, as she would put it, list of guys she is currently seducing. How innocently misguided…

Step number ten says “turn on the charm.” To do that, never tell her directly what you think – just insinuate. It is when you insinuate things that she will truly believe that you really mean what she thinks you’re insinuating. At this point your seduction moves to a completely different level – you no longer need to lie! Now you only need to insinuate a lie and let the girl figure out what it was that you insinuated. She should be so mad for you right now that she’ll actually be analyzing what you say, so if you tell her something directly, she might actually figure out that it’s a lie – so don’t do it! It could be deadly to your seduction. What does that say about a girl? Well, it supports my conclusion about her keeping a seduction schedule – after you’ve asked her out, she moves to the state of being mad about you and trying to find deeper meaning of your shallow insinuations.

The next steps deals with girls who are shy, and says that you should “write well-crafted letters to her.” Well, all this step tells us about girls is that some of them are shy and need special attention. Let this not discourage you from seducing her best girl friend too – she might be an easier catch.

“Obey the correct sequence of physical interactions,” says the next step. Not only do girls keep schedule – this schedule also includes various lists, such as this one, the correct sequence of physical interactions. The explanation says that you absolutely have to wait for her to touch you flirtatiously first. Never touch her if she hasn’t touched you! It’s a big no-no. Only then can you hold hands with her. Only after that you can hug her, and then kiss her, then make out and other things. If any of this is done out of order, all your previous work is undone as she will go back to being totally uninterested about you. Girls are very pedantic when it comes to physical contact. So, head on to WikiHow and memorize the order of those contacts. Hold on to it like it’s the dearest thing you have.

Finally, “establish an emotional connection.” This means, according to the explanation, that from now on you may only “relate to things that she is passionate about or interested in” (emphasis mine). In other words, when you’ve completed all the steps above and are ready to move beyond the petty seduction to something bigger, such as a lasting relationship, you must begin living all the lies that you’ve ever told her. So, it’s not that, as I originally thought, that a girl must at the end fall in love with you as you are, but rather she must fall in love with you as who you told her you are. This miraculous “click” that happens between a man and a woman is actually the point at which the man decides to deny the part of himself which he thinks the girl he is seducing won’t like, and to mold his soul according to her passions and her interests.

So, the end of seduction is complete surrender of man’s soul to the woman he was seducing – and the extent of his surrender is defined by two things: things he said while performing the ritual of seduction, and things that the woman is passionate about or interested in.

So, in the analysis of the article on WikiHow, I’ve deduced the following fifteen things about girls:

1. A girl never seduces a man
2. A girl can be distracted from even the most horrible things about a guy she’s dating by idle chatter about nothing in particular
3. A girl believes whatever her seducer tells her to believe
4. A girl believes anything people tell her about her seducer
5. A girl likes a simple-minded guy whose spiritual boundaries don’t define much space
6. A girl is an insatiable creature
7. A girl gets jealous easily
8. A girl holds opinions of other girls highly
9. A girl is easily deceived
10. A girl doesn’t care about honesty; she wants to be seduced by lies
11. A girl keeps a seduction schedule
12. A girl who is mad about someone analyzes everything they say
13. Some girls are shy
14. A girl is very pedantic in regard to physical contact and demands that various levels of physical contact be done in the exact predetermined order
15. A girl in a relationship with a man owns the man’s soul

I must admit that what I’ve found differs largely from what I thought about girls. I thought love between a man and a woman was the sharing of their highest (spiritual) values amongst each other, coupled with physical attraction, only to discover that girls feel much differently – that it is complete and unconditional surrender of the values of a male to her, and to whatever he thinks she is.

It’s no wonder that I like men more than I do women – if the article on WikiHow holds any water – and in regards to seduction and male-female relationships this is the same as everything I was ever told in my life (with some exceptions) about such relationships – and girls really expect men to behave this way – then all girls are succubi and I don’t want anything to do with them. I’m just hoping that I’m wrong, so, girls, write to me and tell me – do you really expect of men to seduce you in this way?